Kyle James (KJ) – Hi. Today I get the honor of sitting down with my personal favorite diet drink: Diet Dr. Pepper. Mr. Pepper thank you for sitting down with me.
Diet Dr. Pepper (DDP – not to be confused with the former wrestler) - Mr. Pepper, is my father. Please, I’m just plain ol’ Diet.
KJ – Doesn’t that get confusing when you’re around other diet drinks.
DDP – Why would I be around other diet drinks?
KJ – I just assumed that… You know that you would be hanging around with the diet drink crowd. Do you hang around with other drinks as well?
DDP – Why would I be with those bitter tasting diet drinks? I don’t limit myself to soda’s either. I am wrongfully classified as a “diet drink” when I am in fact a dessert. Ever since birth I have known I was more than a diet drink. I’ve always had this feeling, like I was something else.
KJ – What kind of feeling?
DDP – I just didn’t fit in with the other diet drinks. I always hung out with the desserts. I seemed to identify with them more. On the outside I am a diet drink, but in my heart I am a dessert.
KJ – So is that why you appear in the ads acting like a dessert?
DDP – Acting! I’m not acting. I am a dessert. Who are you to say I’m not?
KJ – Well you are a diet drink. You are liquid, you’re made with artificial sweetener, you have zero calories, and people who want a diet drink, drink you. That pretty much defines you as a diet drink, does it not?
DDP – I am a dessert! This is my life and who are you to define me! Don’t define me based on your what's on the outside. I know who I am inside.
KJ – What does Dr. Pepper think about this?
DDP – He’s not thrilled with it of course. He’s beholden to the soft drink industry so he doesn’t agree with my decision?
KJ – The decision to hang out with desserts?
DDP – The decision to become a dessert.
KJ – Are you saying you plan to undergo a full category change operation?
DDP – I’m tired of living life as something I’m not. Yes, everything about me says diet drink, and I was born a diet drink. But in a few weeks I’ll be a dessert.
KJ – What do other desserts think about this? Are they supportive, like we see in the ads?
DDP – A lot of that is acting. It’s still a controversial issue, and I know I’m not going to be accepted by the mainstream. But, there are some that are supportive of me.
KJ - What dessert has lent you the most support? Are you at liberty to say?
DDP - Yes, Rice Cake has been my biggest supporter.
KJ - Rice Cake. Is he really a dessert? I thought he was more of a diet fling food, or a alternative packing material.
(There was a pause in the interview at this point, as I tried to calm DDP and get him to continue with the rest of the interview. After a few minutes he agreed to continue.)
KJ – So tell us a little about this operation. What is actually involved with a procedure of this nature?
DDP – I don’t know.
KJ – You don’t know what’s involved.
DDP – Yeah, that’s right.
KJ – But, you still plan to go through with this. Where are you having this done?
DDP – There was this guy named Larry, who has an office downtown. He said for $1000 bucks he could do everything necessary to make me a dessert, but he needed the cash up front. I paid him and we’re scheduled to go through with it in two weeks.
KJ – Larry, downtown? And this is a medical doctor.
DDP – I assume so.
KJ – You mean you don’t even know if he’s a real doctor. Where was his office?
DDP – Wally’s Storage.
KJ – His office was a storage unit.
DDP – A really nice storage unit. Everything seemed on the level. He had a white coat, a table and one of those stethoscopes, but his seemed to be homemade. That's why I figured he had to be good, since he could make his own. He said his medical diploma and letter of commendation from the President were having their frames redone.
KJ – Diet I think you’ve been scammed.
DDP – No, this guy had to be legit. I helped him load his truck, because he was going to do a procedure up in Canada and stop in to visit his brother the Secretary of Candianisity. He’s supposed to be back in two weeks.
KJ – You gave a guy named Larry, with an "office" in a storage unit, $1000 and he went to Canada and said he would be back in two weeks after visiting his brother the Secretary of "Canadianisity" and then perform a very complex category change operation.
DDP – Well when you say it like that... Maybe I got ripped off.
KJ – Yeah it sounds like you got ripped, big time.
DDP – So you don’t think the guy’s a real doctor.
KJ – Dude. Seriously, you can’t be that stupid. I know you want to be a dessert and all, but you are a diet soda. You’re the best damn diet soda out there. Embrace it.
DDP – I just wanted to be on a dessert menu. I wanted to be served with ice cream and chocolate syrup.
KJ – You still can. People who go on diets are always looking for ways to cheat. They reason out eating a hot fudge sundae because they're drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper. That’s what I do anyway.
DDP – So I’d kind of be an addition to the dessert.
KJ – Dude you’re a compliment to the whole meal. I can drink three Diet Dr. Pepper’s and eat the super giagantous cheeseburger, then have the hot fudge sundae because the calories from the drink are zero.
DDP – Really!
KJ – No I usually drink water. They charge too much for soda. And, if I skip the soda I can afford dessert.
DDP – Awwwwww Man!
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