Hollywood Condimential: Mustard on the Record

Unable to garner and interview with BBQ Sauce, I decided a great conversation could be had with Mustard. He’s best known for his work with hamburgers and hot dogs. He has worked with Honey to create Honey Mustard. Readers probably didn’t know that they were actually married, but have since divorced. So enjoy the second in the Hollywood Condimential Series.

Kyle James (KJ) – Mr. Mustard, I appreciate you sitting down with me today. I know your very busy and I just want to let you know how grateful I am that you would taker time to talk with me.

Mustard (M) – Not a problem Kyle and feel free to just call me Mustard.

KJ – I actually almost called you Col. Mustard. Do you ever get that?

M – Oh all the time. I get asked if there is any relation, but it’s just a coincidence. Col. Mustard is one of the nicest game pieces around. He really is a delight to visit with.

KJ – Well if I ever venture out and begin interviewing game pieces I’ll make sure to put him on the list. Now, Mustard I had a sit down a few weeks ago with Tomato Ketchup, Fancy Ketchup and Catsup.

M – All great individuals.

KJ – Yes they were great to talk to, and they all had great things to say about you. How did you first meet them, or did you meet them separately? Tell us a little about that.

M – Well we all first met at the academy. We all hit it off really well, and were able to collaborate with our most popular work being the hamburger. Really any combination works well. I stayed in touch with Catsup over the years, and we all still get together now and again to swap stories just hang out.

KJ – They also mentioned your prowess on the tennis court.

M – I’ve won a match or two.

KJ – How did you match with BBQ Sauce go, or has that taken place yet?

M – We actually play next week, so you’ll have to ask him about it if you can pin him down long enough.

KJ – There seemed to bee some animosity between Tomato Ketchup and BBQ Sauce. Do you have any insights on that our might want to know about?

M – Well it’s not a hard situation to figure out. BBQ Sauce is a product of Ketchup. Any of them. BBQ Sauce is essentially a collaboration between Ketchup and WorcestershireWorcestershire Sauce. There can be other things involved but that’s basically it. I can be a component which is popular in some areas but, the Ketchup/Worcestershire style is the most prominent.

KJ – So I guess the animosity arises because BBQ Sauce has become so popular when he is not really a stand alone product.

M – Well in part. You always want to see a collaboration succeed. You just don’t want it to become a pompous jerk that forgets where he came from. That’s the root of the problem with BBQ Sauce and Ketchup.

KJ – Have you experienced anything like that with Honey Mustard?

M – No not at all. Honey Mustard has done very well. He’s had success as a dip and a dressing. He’s gone from chicken, to pizza, to just about anything you can think of. He’s always respectful and remembers he’s part of a greater group.

KJ – How is your relationship with Honey?

M – Well as you know, we did finalize the divorce. We tried to make things work, but it was just too difficult to overcome.

KJ – Have you heard the rumors about a relationship developing between her and BBQ Sauce?

M – Yes, and there not rumors. They are seeing each other now. They’ve worked together before on Honey BBQ Sauce, and that had a lot of success. We’re not together anymore. We’re both free to see who we like. In the world of condiments the choices for consumer are varied but in dating for us, it’s not as broad. So it’s to be expected that we may each end up seeing condiments that are close friends with our ex. It’s just how it works.

KJ – So it doesn’t put a strain on your relationship with BBQ Sauce?

M – It’s not like our relationship was that great to begin with, so I guess it doesn’t have much of an affect. Look I get along ok with BBQ Sauce. We play tennis on occasion and that’s mainly because we’re both competitive. We’re not going to ride together to the court or anything like that, but we’re both grown ups and we can go play a match against each other.

KJ – So will Honey be in attendance?

M – Look, I have no idea. We’re divorced. Get that straight right now. What she does is her business, what I do is my business. If we’re going to keep going with the BBQ Sauce and Honey questions, I’ve said all I’m going to say and we can stop right here.

KJ – I’m not trying to dig for anything, I’m just asking the questions the readers might want to know. Let's turn this in a different direction. Does the comparison of a young baby's poop to you bother you in anyway?

M - Excuse me?

KJ - You know when they say hey that poop looks like mustard, or it's mustard colored. Does that bother you?

M - I understood the question. I just don't know why it would be appropriate. I thought this was going to be a more professional interview than this.

KJ - What would have given you that impression?

M - You said it would be a professional interview.

KJ - Ahhh. Good point. Well in that case let me move on. Who does Mustard hang out with? Who are your close friends?

M – Like I said I keep in touch with Catsup pretty often and then we all get together on occasion. Worcestershire and I play tennis on occasion. I do play tennis with BBQ Sauce as we’ve discussed but that’s about the extent of that relationship.

KJ – Mustard or Mayonnaise?

M – What?

KJ - Mustard or Mayonnaise? We get that question all the time. What's your answer?

M - Are you serious? Are you for freakin' real man. Don't you come in here and start talking about mayonnaise to me. That no good, flavorless, white trash, rotting in the sun... I mean are you seriously asking me that question? Mustard or Mayonnaise! What kind of stupid question is that?

KJ – So I take it you don’t hang out with him?

M – No I don’t usually buddy around with my number one competitor in the marketplace. Look the Ketchups, Worcestershire, and I compete but not like Mayonnaise. It’s a do or die thing with us. He dominates the sandwich market, I’ve got burgers and hot dogs. If that balance is upset, one of us is screwed. So no, we don’t hang around much. You know I'm not big on killing my career. Got any other brilliant questions.

KJ – No I don't think so.

M – Great thanks, it was a real peach. (Gets up and storms out of the room)

KJ – Next time, I hope to have secured an interview with BBQ Sauce. Coming up as well is a talk with Worcestershire Sauce and a day at sea with Mayonnaise on his yacht.