Kyle James (KJ) – Hi. Today I get the honor of sitting down with my personal favorite diet drink: Diet Dr. Pepper. Mr. Pepper thank you for sitting down with me.
Diet Dr. Pepper (DDP – not to be confused with the former wrestler) - Mr. Pepper, is my father. Please, I’m just plain ol’ Diet.
KJ – Doesn’t that get confusing when you’re around other diet drinks.
DDP – Why would I be around other diet drinks?
KJ – I just assumed that… You know that you would be hanging around with the diet drink crowd. Do you hang around with other drinks as well?
DDP – Why would I be with those bitter tasting diet drinks? I don’t limit myself to soda’s either. I am wrongfully classified as a “diet drink” when I am in fact a dessert. Ever since birth I have known I was more than a diet drink. I’ve always had this feeling, like I was something else.
KJ – What kind of feeling?
DDP – I just didn’t fit in with the other diet drinks. I always hung out with the desserts. I seemed to identify with them more. On the outside I am a diet drink, but in my heart I am a dessert.
KJ – So is that why you appear in the ads acting like a dessert?
DDP – Acting! I’m not acting. I am a dessert. Who are you to say I’m not?
KJ – Well you are a diet drink. You are liquid, you’re made with artificial sweetener, you have zero calories, and people who want a diet drink, drink you. That pretty much defines you as a diet drink, does it not?
DDP – I am a dessert! This is my life and who are you to define me! Don’t define me based on your what's on the outside. I know who I am inside.
KJ – What does Dr. Pepper think about this?
DDP – He’s not thrilled with it of course. He’s beholden to the soft drink industry so he doesn’t agree with my decision?
KJ – The decision to hang out with desserts?
DDP – The decision to become a dessert.
KJ – Are you saying you plan to undergo a full category change operation?
DDP – I’m tired of living life as something I’m not. Yes, everything about me says diet drink, and I was born a diet drink. But in a few weeks I’ll be a dessert.
KJ – What do other desserts think about this? Are they supportive, like we see in the ads?
DDP – A lot of that is acting. It’s still a controversial issue, and I know I’m not going to be accepted by the mainstream. But, there are some that are supportive of me.
KJ - What dessert has lent you the most support? Are you at liberty to say?
DDP - Yes, Rice Cake has been my biggest supporter.
KJ - Rice Cake. Is he really a dessert? I thought he was more of a diet fling food, or a alternative packing material.
(There was a pause in the interview at this point, as I tried to calm DDP and get him to continue with the rest of the interview. After a few minutes he agreed to continue.)
KJ – So tell us a little about this operation. What is actually involved with a procedure of this nature?
DDP – I don’t know.
KJ – You don’t know what’s involved.
DDP – Yeah, that’s right.
KJ – But, you still plan to go through with this. Where are you having this done?
DDP – There was this guy named Larry, who has an office downtown. He said for $1000 bucks he could do everything necessary to make me a dessert, but he needed the cash up front. I paid him and we’re scheduled to go through with it in two weeks.
KJ – Larry, downtown? And this is a medical doctor.
DDP – I assume so.
KJ – You mean you don’t even know if he’s a real doctor. Where was his office?
DDP – Wally’s Storage.
KJ – His office was a storage unit.
DDP – A really nice storage unit. Everything seemed on the level. He had a white coat, a table and one of those stethoscopes, but his seemed to be homemade. That's why I figured he had to be good, since he could make his own. He said his medical diploma and letter of commendation from the President were having their frames redone.
KJ – Diet I think you’ve been scammed.
DDP – No, this guy had to be legit. I helped him load his truck, because he was going to do a procedure up in Canada and stop in to visit his brother the Secretary of Candianisity. He’s supposed to be back in two weeks.
KJ – You gave a guy named Larry, with an "office" in a storage unit, $1000 and he went to Canada and said he would be back in two weeks after visiting his brother the Secretary of "Canadianisity" and then perform a very complex category change operation.
DDP – Well when you say it like that... Maybe I got ripped off.
KJ – Yeah it sounds like you got ripped, big time.
DDP – So you don’t think the guy’s a real doctor.
KJ – Dude. Seriously, you can’t be that stupid. I know you want to be a dessert and all, but you are a diet soda. You’re the best damn diet soda out there. Embrace it.
DDP – I just wanted to be on a dessert menu. I wanted to be served with ice cream and chocolate syrup.
KJ – You still can. People who go on diets are always looking for ways to cheat. They reason out eating a hot fudge sundae because they're drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper. That’s what I do anyway.
DDP – So I’d kind of be an addition to the dessert.
KJ – Dude you’re a compliment to the whole meal. I can drink three Diet Dr. Pepper’s and eat the super giagantous cheeseburger, then have the hot fudge sundae because the calories from the drink are zero.
DDP – Really!
KJ – No I usually drink water. They charge too much for soda. And, if I skip the soda I can afford dessert.
DDP – Awwwwww Man!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
In Honor of Earth Day...
i've updated my blog to appear green. Apparently that's all you need to do to truly combat global warming. Check out NBC. Heck I know Google is probably green today. Watch all the commercials you can. You'll see more green than on St. Patrick's Day. We will unite behind the color green, and we will win. (Means absolutely nothing, but there are enough loons out there to buy off on it.) Yeah GREEN! GREEN, GREEN GREEN! Look at me I'm GREEN! Wow I do feel good, but anyway.
On Earth Day, don't just plant a tree. Hug a tree. Kiss it if your feeling up to it. Then when you see all the commercials and news stories tomorrow, about how we're killing the Earth and the bleeding heart liberals are doing everything they can to save it by singing in the park, playing hacky sack and burning sweet sacrifices at the feet of a golden statue of their savior ALGORE, you can sit back and smile because you made a difference in the life of that tree, a difference that just might save your life. (Sure, now there's an awkward sexual tension when you walk past, but hey no big deal.)
How might this save my life you ask. Because, the great prophet ALGORE has sayethed unto us that we art killing the Earth. Well, he's wrong. We won't kill the Earth. The Earth will likely kill us.
Survival of the fittest won't matter when the tree people rise from the ground to defend the planet against our polluting ways. Loggers will run screaming as the towering giants they dropped with chainsaws now chase them. Our cities will, be overrun with armies of trees. (Lubbock should hold out for quite a while. Colorado will probably have to send a garrison of pines down to finish us off, and then New Mexico will have to send some after we wipe those out, it could go on for a while.)
You can prevent this from happening though. No not by driving a hybrid, or buying carbon offsets or watching An Inconvenient Truth in your boxer shorts while eating Cheetos from the bag. No, all you have to do is hug a tree. Show it some love, some compassion, that you truly care about it. Then when the army of pines comes into town it can say, "No boys, he's (or she's) with me." (That is of course if your tree friend hasn't been slaughtered in the man/tree war at that point.)
So on April 22, 2008, go out and hug a tree, it may literally save your life. Turning your website green, or running "green" commercials won't work. Trees don't use the internet or watch TV, and no your ficus can't vouch for you. A ficus is looked down upon in the larger tree community.
On Earth Day, don't just plant a tree. Hug a tree. Kiss it if your feeling up to it. Then when you see all the commercials and news stories tomorrow, about how we're killing the Earth and the bleeding heart liberals are doing everything they can to save it by singing in the park, playing hacky sack and burning sweet sacrifices at the feet of a golden statue of their savior ALGORE, you can sit back and smile because you made a difference in the life of that tree, a difference that just might save your life. (Sure, now there's an awkward sexual tension when you walk past, but hey no big deal.)
How might this save my life you ask. Because, the great prophet ALGORE has sayethed unto us that we art killing the Earth. Well, he's wrong. We won't kill the Earth. The Earth will likely kill us.
Survival of the fittest won't matter when the tree people rise from the ground to defend the planet against our polluting ways. Loggers will run screaming as the towering giants they dropped with chainsaws now chase them. Our cities will, be overrun with armies of trees. (Lubbock should hold out for quite a while. Colorado will probably have to send a garrison of pines down to finish us off, and then New Mexico will have to send some after we wipe those out, it could go on for a while.)
You can prevent this from happening though. No not by driving a hybrid, or buying carbon offsets or watching An Inconvenient Truth in your boxer shorts while eating Cheetos from the bag. No, all you have to do is hug a tree. Show it some love, some compassion, that you truly care about it. Then when the army of pines comes into town it can say, "No boys, he's (or she's) with me." (That is of course if your tree friend hasn't been slaughtered in the man/tree war at that point.)
So on April 22, 2008, go out and hug a tree, it may literally save your life. Turning your website green, or running "green" commercials won't work. Trees don't use the internet or watch TV, and no your ficus can't vouch for you. A ficus is looked down upon in the larger tree community.
Friday, April 18, 2008
The Epic Battle of Lucy and the Ninja Squirrel
(This story is true. The names and places have been changed so significantly it should be impossible to determine who the story is about.)
Lucy Curr walked out of her office. It had been a long day and she was ready to get home and see her husband, Juff Curr. She looked at the high mountains surrounding her home in Dunver, Culurado.
As she walked across the parking lot she noticed some movement out of the corner of her eye. She stopped and looked closer but nothing was there. She dug in her purse for her keys.
After a few moments of searching she located them and hit the button on the remote unlock the doors. She pushed one more time, and again, harder. The car sat quiet. The familiar click of the locks was absent.
She continued across the parking lot, keeping her attention focused to her left and right. Again she saw movement. She stopped once more and stared in the direction it had come from. She squinted but saw nothing.
“This is crazy,” she thought. “It’s just my mind playing tricks on me.”
She continued, but at a more hurried pace. She got to her vehicle and stuck the key into the door. As she turned it a cold chill rippled down her spine. She felt the beady eyes of her foe, staring at her. She slowly turned to face her attacker.
“So Mrs. Curr, we meet at last,” said the ninja squirrel.
“I guess we do,” Lucy replied, leaving her keys in the door, and readying her bag for the battle.
In a flash the two clashed there in the parking lot. Wild kicks and chops came from the ninja squirrel, but they were blocked with each swing of Lucy’s bag. The two battled for what seemed like an eternity.
The two combatants paused after a series of furious exchanges to catch there breath. Each stood sweaty, tired and frustrated that they were unable to mount a solid offense against the other.
“You are stronger than I anticipated, Mrs. Curr. But you will not last much longer. Your skills are not yet ready to vanquish, the ninja squirrel.”
Lucy only grinned and they returned to battle. The ninja squirrel flew into the air. He screamed wildly and came down with fists flaling, a fury unseen by most men.
Lucy did not waiver. She brought her bag up and matched the squirrel blow for blow. They fought longer still. Lucy swung her bag with such might, it startled the squirrel, but undeterred he fought with extra vigor and zeal. They parted, both barely able to stand.
The squirrel was visibly shaken, stunned that his foe still stood across from him unvanquished.
“This is not the end, Lucy. You have fought valiantly, but you will not be so lucky the next time we meet.”
“That’s Mrs. Curr,” she stated defiantly eyeing the squirrel, ready to attack.
There eyes stayed lock for a few moments then the squirrel, retreat into a tree and was gone. Lucy breathed a sigh of relief, opened the car door and went home.
To other onlookers this epic battle may have only appeared to be a grown woman watching a squirrel, then swinging her bag violently to defend herself against the squirrel that she thought jumped out of the tree to attack her, but in reality had just been a leaf. They did not see the true beauty of these two noble combatants battling for victory.
Lucy made it home, the squirrel was safe in the tree. Unfortunately the leaf that fluttered to Earth, startling Lucy and unwittingly bringing an onslaught of furious blows from a bag upon itself did not fair as well. Rest in peace little leaf. We hardly knew thee.
Lucy Curr walked out of her office. It had been a long day and she was ready to get home and see her husband, Juff Curr. She looked at the high mountains surrounding her home in Dunver, Culurado.
As she walked across the parking lot she noticed some movement out of the corner of her eye. She stopped and looked closer but nothing was there. She dug in her purse for her keys.
After a few moments of searching she located them and hit the button on the remote unlock the doors. She pushed one more time, and again, harder. The car sat quiet. The familiar click of the locks was absent.
She continued across the parking lot, keeping her attention focused to her left and right. Again she saw movement. She stopped once more and stared in the direction it had come from. She squinted but saw nothing.
“This is crazy,” she thought. “It’s just my mind playing tricks on me.”
She continued, but at a more hurried pace. She got to her vehicle and stuck the key into the door. As she turned it a cold chill rippled down her spine. She felt the beady eyes of her foe, staring at her. She slowly turned to face her attacker.
“So Mrs. Curr, we meet at last,” said the ninja squirrel.
“I guess we do,” Lucy replied, leaving her keys in the door, and readying her bag for the battle.
In a flash the two clashed there in the parking lot. Wild kicks and chops came from the ninja squirrel, but they were blocked with each swing of Lucy’s bag. The two battled for what seemed like an eternity.
The two combatants paused after a series of furious exchanges to catch there breath. Each stood sweaty, tired and frustrated that they were unable to mount a solid offense against the other.
“You are stronger than I anticipated, Mrs. Curr. But you will not last much longer. Your skills are not yet ready to vanquish, the ninja squirrel.”
Lucy only grinned and they returned to battle. The ninja squirrel flew into the air. He screamed wildly and came down with fists flaling, a fury unseen by most men.
Lucy did not waiver. She brought her bag up and matched the squirrel blow for blow. They fought longer still. Lucy swung her bag with such might, it startled the squirrel, but undeterred he fought with extra vigor and zeal. They parted, both barely able to stand.
The squirrel was visibly shaken, stunned that his foe still stood across from him unvanquished.
“This is not the end, Lucy. You have fought valiantly, but you will not be so lucky the next time we meet.”
“That’s Mrs. Curr,” she stated defiantly eyeing the squirrel, ready to attack.
There eyes stayed lock for a few moments then the squirrel, retreat into a tree and was gone. Lucy breathed a sigh of relief, opened the car door and went home.
To other onlookers this epic battle may have only appeared to be a grown woman watching a squirrel, then swinging her bag violently to defend herself against the squirrel that she thought jumped out of the tree to attack her, but in reality had just been a leaf. They did not see the true beauty of these two noble combatants battling for victory.
Lucy made it home, the squirrel was safe in the tree. Unfortunately the leaf that fluttered to Earth, startling Lucy and unwittingly bringing an onslaught of furious blows from a bag upon itself did not fair as well. Rest in peace little leaf. We hardly knew thee.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Chipmunks: HA HA HA HA HA
(This is a blog you must actively participate in, otherwise it won't be that funny. If you don't have access to You Tube right now, wait until you do. Otherwise it won't be that funny, unless you hear things in chipmunk voices anyway, in which case Bravo!)
I don't know what it is about super high voices. Not just people who speak in a high voice, but super high voices like the chipmunks. SCRUBS has made a fun character with a super high voice that's a plentiful well of comedy.
If I did podcasts instead of blogs and just altered my voice up several octaves I wouldn't have to think as hard to come up with material. (Huh, not a bad idea.) But, I barely have enough time to type out my stupidity much less record, edit, upload, yeah too much trouble.
Well, I say this because we finally got an internet service provider that can actually provide a consistently fast speed. So I can finally watch You Tube videos, at a normal rate.
Rhianna has a song called Umbrella. If you have heard it it actually brings a smile to your face because it itself is laughable. The line "you can stand under my um-barella ella ella ella A A A" repeated over and over is hilarious. (And sad that it sells millions of copies while the rest of us work 40+ hours a week to pay the bills.
If you haven't heard it, go to You Tube, search and play it. Just listen to about half of it. I don't want you to hate me or anything. Here's a link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVUMzW4dAQQ I'll wait. (By the way if you love the song. Well you are entitled to your opinion, but you're wrong. It's your right. But just understand you are wrong.)
Now, if you're done you may proceed. If not, go listen to it. You have to have at least heard the song once. Once you're done, proceed to the next link. Now the chipmunk voice is enough to make you laugh. You can say anything in a chipmunk voice and it would be funny. You could due the broadcast of the Hindenburg crash in a chipmunk and it would be funny. Horribly wrong, but funny. (I'm laughing while thinking about it. I am so going to hell.)
OK, here's the link. If you've laughed so far, I'll take the credit. (Rhianna gets a bit.) But from here on I'll have to give credit to the creators of this video. Thanks also go to Rhianna for singing such a stupid song, but the chipmunk version does have a redemptive quality to it, don't you think. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpQWWq9SUuQ&feature=related
I don't know what it is about super high voices. Not just people who speak in a high voice, but super high voices like the chipmunks. SCRUBS has made a fun character with a super high voice that's a plentiful well of comedy.
If I did podcasts instead of blogs and just altered my voice up several octaves I wouldn't have to think as hard to come up with material. (Huh, not a bad idea.) But, I barely have enough time to type out my stupidity much less record, edit, upload, yeah too much trouble.
Well, I say this because we finally got an internet service provider that can actually provide a consistently fast speed. So I can finally watch You Tube videos, at a normal rate.
Rhianna has a song called Umbrella. If you have heard it it actually brings a smile to your face because it itself is laughable. The line "you can stand under my um-barella ella ella ella A A A" repeated over and over is hilarious. (And sad that it sells millions of copies while the rest of us work 40+ hours a week to pay the bills.
If you haven't heard it, go to You Tube, search and play it. Just listen to about half of it. I don't want you to hate me or anything. Here's a link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVUMzW4dAQQ I'll wait. (By the way if you love the song. Well you are entitled to your opinion, but you're wrong. It's your right. But just understand you are wrong.)
Now, if you're done you may proceed. If not, go listen to it. You have to have at least heard the song once. Once you're done, proceed to the next link. Now the chipmunk voice is enough to make you laugh. You can say anything in a chipmunk voice and it would be funny. You could due the broadcast of the Hindenburg crash in a chipmunk and it would be funny. Horribly wrong, but funny. (I'm laughing while thinking about it. I am so going to hell.)
OK, here's the link. If you've laughed so far, I'll take the credit. (Rhianna gets a bit.) But from here on I'll have to give credit to the creators of this video. Thanks also go to Rhianna for singing such a stupid song, but the chipmunk version does have a redemptive quality to it, don't you think. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpQWWq9SUuQ&feature=related
Monday, April 7, 2008
The Breakfast of the Future: It's a Frickin' Burrito!
In case you haven't noticed new ads have been running for BK. They're set in the future and the King is no longer a frightening plastic masked guy. He's now a frightening plastic suited, floating robot thing.
His latest adventure finds him hocking his new breakfast item: the BK Breakfast Wrap. It has eggs, bacon, and hash browns all rolled together in a tortilla. It is presented as something new, futuristic, unseen by the world.
It in fact appears to be what tradition says was invented by a man named Juan Mendez around the early 1900's, known as a BURRITO! (Credit that to Wikipedia, so it may be a load of donkey crap) The word burrito means "little donkey" so since this is a small part of the blog it could be burrito crap or "little donkey crap" but donkey crap is donkey crap no matter what size it is.
Seriously, has the fast food industry got so bad that, the ones I joke about behind the counter have worked their way up the ranks to the point of product marketing and advertising. Your selling a burrito as a futuristic food. It's been around since before BK, or that stupid King.
When you start selling the little pill that they had on the Jetson's I'll be impressed and run buy one. I know the American attention span isn't that long, but my kids recognize a burrito when they see it.
This is just another unintended consequence of political correctness. Why you ask. Political correctness is simply saying the same thing, but using different terminology. We've become so accustomed to that way of thinking it's spilling over into the world of food and that's unacceptable. Just because we change the name it doesn't make it so.
Don't call a burrito a BK Breakfast Wrap and expect me to buy it as something all new. I like burritos. Everyone sells burritos. Call it a burrito and say it's better than the other guys burrito because... and you fill in the blank.
Now because of this stupid marketing campaign, this conversation may be occuring as we speak.
"Hey I didn't know BK had burrito's."
"They don't, this is a BK Breakfast Wrap."
"Oh. Well it looks like a burrito."
"No this is an egg, bacon and hash browns wrapped up in a tortilla. It's the breakfast of the future."
"How's that not a burrito."
"It's not called a burrito."
"Again. Why is it not called a burrito."
"Becasue the King said it's not ok! Because the King said so! Have you seen him. My God! Before he was scary, and now he's all robotic and flying. Do you want to wake up with that thing staring at you. I sure as hell don't, so if he says it's a BK Breakfast Wrap, it's a BK Breakfast Wrap. If your going to question the King you bring that hell upon yourself and leave me out of it."
"Ok. BK Breakfast Wrap it is."
His latest adventure finds him hocking his new breakfast item: the BK Breakfast Wrap. It has eggs, bacon, and hash browns all rolled together in a tortilla. It is presented as something new, futuristic, unseen by the world.
It in fact appears to be what tradition says was invented by a man named Juan Mendez around the early 1900's, known as a BURRITO! (Credit that to Wikipedia, so it may be a load of donkey crap) The word burrito means "little donkey" so since this is a small part of the blog it could be burrito crap or "little donkey crap" but donkey crap is donkey crap no matter what size it is.
Seriously, has the fast food industry got so bad that, the ones I joke about behind the counter have worked their way up the ranks to the point of product marketing and advertising. Your selling a burrito as a futuristic food. It's been around since before BK, or that stupid King.
When you start selling the little pill that they had on the Jetson's I'll be impressed and run buy one. I know the American attention span isn't that long, but my kids recognize a burrito when they see it.
This is just another unintended consequence of political correctness. Why you ask. Political correctness is simply saying the same thing, but using different terminology. We've become so accustomed to that way of thinking it's spilling over into the world of food and that's unacceptable. Just because we change the name it doesn't make it so.
Don't call a burrito a BK Breakfast Wrap and expect me to buy it as something all new. I like burritos. Everyone sells burritos. Call it a burrito and say it's better than the other guys burrito because... and you fill in the blank.
Now because of this stupid marketing campaign, this conversation may be occuring as we speak.
"Hey I didn't know BK had burrito's."
"They don't, this is a BK Breakfast Wrap."
"Oh. Well it looks like a burrito."
"No this is an egg, bacon and hash browns wrapped up in a tortilla. It's the breakfast of the future."
"How's that not a burrito."
"It's not called a burrito."
"Again. Why is it not called a burrito."
"Becasue the King said it's not ok! Because the King said so! Have you seen him. My God! Before he was scary, and now he's all robotic and flying. Do you want to wake up with that thing staring at you. I sure as hell don't, so if he says it's a BK Breakfast Wrap, it's a BK Breakfast Wrap. If your going to question the King you bring that hell upon yourself and leave me out of it."
"Ok. BK Breakfast Wrap it is."
Friday, April 4, 2008
The Simple Mind is Calling You!
The most difficult part of my blog and in any writing I have ever done is thinking up topics. Sometimes something inspires me, sometimes I eat fast food, but sometimes I draw a blank. My hope was to post at least twice a week. I have yet to accomplish that goal. So my call to you is: Send me a topic. Send me many topics.
Yes! Anyone who reads this blog, my challenge to you is to send me a topic. What topics do I want? I don't care. It's up to you. I like the challenge. Want to start a story and see where I take it? Go for it. Want to send me an obscure word and see if I can blog on it in a funny way? Go ahead. It's up to you. Send me the mundane, and I'll try to work with it. It's totally up to you.
There's no limit on the amount of topics you can send. I'll file them away and get to them as I get to them. I'll still post my own topical blogs based on what kind of inspiration or stories come my way, but I'll use your ideas to fill the gaps. So come on. Throw me a bone here. Send your topics to klanejames@hotmail.com.
Hollywood Condimential: Mustard on the Record
Unable to garner and interview with BBQ Sauce, I decided a great conversation could be had with Mustard. He’s best known for his work with hamburgers and hot dogs. He has worked with Honey to create Honey Mustard. Readers probably didn’t know that they were actually married, but have since divorced. So enjoy the second in the Hollywood Condimential Series.
Kyle James (KJ) – Mr. Mustard, I appreciate you sitting down with me today. I know your very busy and I just want to let you know how grateful I am that you would taker time to talk with me.
Mustard (M) – Not a problem Kyle and feel free to just call me Mustard.
KJ – I actually almost called you Col. Mustard. Do you ever get that?
M – Oh all the time. I get asked if there is any relation, but it’s just a coincidence. Col. Mustard is one of the nicest game pieces around. He really is a delight to visit with.
KJ – Well if I ever venture out and begin interviewing game pieces I’ll make sure to put him on the list. Now, Mustard I had a sit down a few weeks ago with Tomato Ketchup, Fancy Ketchup and Catsup.
M – All great individuals.
KJ – Yes they were great to talk to, and they all had great things to say about you. How did you first meet them, or did you meet them separately? Tell us a little about that.
M – Well we all first met at the academy. We all hit it off really well, and were able to collaborate with our most popular work being the hamburger. Really any combination works well. I stayed in touch with Catsup over the years, and we all still get together now and again to swap stories just hang out.
KJ – They also mentioned your prowess on the tennis court.
M – I’ve won a match or two.
KJ – How did you match with BBQ Sauce go, or has that taken place yet?
M – We actually play next week, so you’ll have to ask him about it if you can pin him down long enough.
KJ – There seemed to bee some animosity between Tomato Ketchup and BBQ Sauce. Do you have any insights on that our might want to know about?
M – Well it’s not a hard situation to figure out. BBQ Sauce is a product of Ketchup. Any of them. BBQ Sauce is essentially a collaboration between Ketchup and WorcestershireWorcestershire Sauce. There can be other things involved but that’s basically it. I can be a component which is popular in some areas but, the Ketchup/Worcestershire style is the most prominent.
KJ – So I guess the animosity arises because BBQ Sauce has become so popular when he is not really a stand alone product.
M – Well in part. You always want to see a collaboration succeed. You just don’t want it to become a pompous jerk that forgets where he came from. That’s the root of the problem with BBQ Sauce and Ketchup.
KJ – Have you experienced anything like that with Honey Mustard?
M – No not at all. Honey Mustard has done very well. He’s had success as a dip and a dressing. He’s gone from chicken, to pizza, to just about anything you can think of. He’s always respectful and remembers he’s part of a greater group.
KJ – How is your relationship with Honey?
M – Well as you know, we did finalize the divorce. We tried to make things work, but it was just too difficult to overcome.
KJ – Have you heard the rumors about a relationship developing between her and BBQ Sauce?
M – Yes, and there not rumors. They are seeing each other now. They’ve worked together before on Honey BBQ Sauce, and that had a lot of success. We’re not together anymore. We’re both free to see who we like. In the world of condiments the choices for consumer are varied but in dating for us, it’s not as broad. So it’s to be expected that we may each end up seeing condiments that are close friends with our ex. It’s just how it works.
KJ – So it doesn’t put a strain on your relationship with BBQ Sauce?
M – It’s not like our relationship was that great to begin with, so I guess it doesn’t have much of an affect. Look I get along ok with BBQ Sauce. We play tennis on occasion and that’s mainly because we’re both competitive. We’re not going to ride together to the court or anything like that, but we’re both grown ups and we can go play a match against each other.
KJ – So will Honey be in attendance?
M – Look, I have no idea. We’re divorced. Get that straight right now. What she does is her business, what I do is my business. If we’re going to keep going with the BBQ Sauce and Honey questions, I’ve said all I’m going to say and we can stop right here.
KJ – I’m not trying to dig for anything, I’m just asking the questions the readers might want to know. Let's turn this in a different direction. Does the comparison of a young baby's poop to you bother you in anyway?
M - Excuse me?
KJ - You know when they say hey that poop looks like mustard, or it's mustard colored. Does that bother you?
M - I understood the question. I just don't know why it would be appropriate. I thought this was going to be a more professional interview than this.
KJ - What would have given you that impression?
M - You said it would be a professional interview.
KJ - Ahhh. Good point. Well in that case let me move on. Who does Mustard hang out with? Who are your close friends?
M – Like I said I keep in touch with Catsup pretty often and then we all get together on occasion. Worcestershire and I play tennis on occasion. I do play tennis with BBQ Sauce as we’ve discussed but that’s about the extent of that relationship.
KJ – Mustard or Mayonnaise?
M – What?
KJ - Mustard or Mayonnaise? We get that question all the time. What's your answer?
M - Are you serious? Are you for freakin' real man. Don't you come in here and start talking about mayonnaise to me. That no good, flavorless, white trash, rotting in the sun... I mean are you seriously asking me that question? Mustard or Mayonnaise! What kind of stupid question is that?
KJ – So I take it you don’t hang out with him?
M – No I don’t usually buddy around with my number one competitor in the marketplace. Look the Ketchups, Worcestershire, and I compete but not like Mayonnaise. It’s a do or die thing with us. He dominates the sandwich market, I’ve got burgers and hot dogs. If that balance is upset, one of us is screwed. So no, we don’t hang around much. You know I'm not big on killing my career. Got any other brilliant questions.
KJ – No I don't think so.
M – Great thanks, it was a real peach. (Gets up and storms out of the room)
KJ – Next time, I hope to have secured an interview with BBQ Sauce. Coming up as well is a talk with Worcestershire Sauce and a day at sea with Mayonnaise on his yacht.
Kyle James (KJ) – Mr. Mustard, I appreciate you sitting down with me today. I know your very busy and I just want to let you know how grateful I am that you would taker time to talk with me.
Mustard (M) – Not a problem Kyle and feel free to just call me Mustard.
KJ – I actually almost called you Col. Mustard. Do you ever get that?
M – Oh all the time. I get asked if there is any relation, but it’s just a coincidence. Col. Mustard is one of the nicest game pieces around. He really is a delight to visit with.
KJ – Well if I ever venture out and begin interviewing game pieces I’ll make sure to put him on the list. Now, Mustard I had a sit down a few weeks ago with Tomato Ketchup, Fancy Ketchup and Catsup.
M – All great individuals.
KJ – Yes they were great to talk to, and they all had great things to say about you. How did you first meet them, or did you meet them separately? Tell us a little about that.
M – Well we all first met at the academy. We all hit it off really well, and were able to collaborate with our most popular work being the hamburger. Really any combination works well. I stayed in touch with Catsup over the years, and we all still get together now and again to swap stories just hang out.
KJ – They also mentioned your prowess on the tennis court.
M – I’ve won a match or two.
KJ – How did you match with BBQ Sauce go, or has that taken place yet?
M – We actually play next week, so you’ll have to ask him about it if you can pin him down long enough.
KJ – There seemed to bee some animosity between Tomato Ketchup and BBQ Sauce. Do you have any insights on that our might want to know about?
M – Well it’s not a hard situation to figure out. BBQ Sauce is a product of Ketchup. Any of them. BBQ Sauce is essentially a collaboration between Ketchup and WorcestershireWorcestershire Sauce. There can be other things involved but that’s basically it. I can be a component which is popular in some areas but, the Ketchup/Worcestershire style is the most prominent.
KJ – So I guess the animosity arises because BBQ Sauce has become so popular when he is not really a stand alone product.
M – Well in part. You always want to see a collaboration succeed. You just don’t want it to become a pompous jerk that forgets where he came from. That’s the root of the problem with BBQ Sauce and Ketchup.
KJ – Have you experienced anything like that with Honey Mustard?
M – No not at all. Honey Mustard has done very well. He’s had success as a dip and a dressing. He’s gone from chicken, to pizza, to just about anything you can think of. He’s always respectful and remembers he’s part of a greater group.
KJ – How is your relationship with Honey?
M – Well as you know, we did finalize the divorce. We tried to make things work, but it was just too difficult to overcome.
KJ – Have you heard the rumors about a relationship developing between her and BBQ Sauce?
M – Yes, and there not rumors. They are seeing each other now. They’ve worked together before on Honey BBQ Sauce, and that had a lot of success. We’re not together anymore. We’re both free to see who we like. In the world of condiments the choices for consumer are varied but in dating for us, it’s not as broad. So it’s to be expected that we may each end up seeing condiments that are close friends with our ex. It’s just how it works.
KJ – So it doesn’t put a strain on your relationship with BBQ Sauce?
M – It’s not like our relationship was that great to begin with, so I guess it doesn’t have much of an affect. Look I get along ok with BBQ Sauce. We play tennis on occasion and that’s mainly because we’re both competitive. We’re not going to ride together to the court or anything like that, but we’re both grown ups and we can go play a match against each other.
KJ – So will Honey be in attendance?
M – Look, I have no idea. We’re divorced. Get that straight right now. What she does is her business, what I do is my business. If we’re going to keep going with the BBQ Sauce and Honey questions, I’ve said all I’m going to say and we can stop right here.
KJ – I’m not trying to dig for anything, I’m just asking the questions the readers might want to know. Let's turn this in a different direction. Does the comparison of a young baby's poop to you bother you in anyway?
M - Excuse me?
KJ - You know when they say hey that poop looks like mustard, or it's mustard colored. Does that bother you?
M - I understood the question. I just don't know why it would be appropriate. I thought this was going to be a more professional interview than this.
KJ - What would have given you that impression?
M - You said it would be a professional interview.
KJ - Ahhh. Good point. Well in that case let me move on. Who does Mustard hang out with? Who are your close friends?
M – Like I said I keep in touch with Catsup pretty often and then we all get together on occasion. Worcestershire and I play tennis on occasion. I do play tennis with BBQ Sauce as we’ve discussed but that’s about the extent of that relationship.
KJ – Mustard or Mayonnaise?
M – What?
KJ - Mustard or Mayonnaise? We get that question all the time. What's your answer?
M - Are you serious? Are you for freakin' real man. Don't you come in here and start talking about mayonnaise to me. That no good, flavorless, white trash, rotting in the sun... I mean are you seriously asking me that question? Mustard or Mayonnaise! What kind of stupid question is that?
KJ – So I take it you don’t hang out with him?
M – No I don’t usually buddy around with my number one competitor in the marketplace. Look the Ketchups, Worcestershire, and I compete but not like Mayonnaise. It’s a do or die thing with us. He dominates the sandwich market, I’ve got burgers and hot dogs. If that balance is upset, one of us is screwed. So no, we don’t hang around much. You know I'm not big on killing my career. Got any other brilliant questions.
KJ – No I don't think so.
M – Great thanks, it was a real peach. (Gets up and storms out of the room)
KJ – Next time, I hope to have secured an interview with BBQ Sauce. Coming up as well is a talk with Worcestershire Sauce and a day at sea with Mayonnaise on his yacht.
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